Shoppers eat big meal day before Tan Friday, remember true meaning of Shopsgiving Eve

The true meaning of the night before Tan Friday (Traditionally the last Friday of November) seems to have been lost in past years, but not this year. Shopsgiving Eve was celebrated in full force this year. Angela Stevens, 32, says,

In years past we’d not done much on shopsgiving eve. Sometimes my family would show up with some food which was nice. We’d sit around, eat, drink and be merry, etc. I finally figured it out this year. The Thursday before Shopsgiving is meant to energize us and allow us to prepare for the labors of what’s become known as Shopsgiving.

Tan Friday has, for years, been a day to get up before the sun rises to go attack other people in hopes of getting that perfect gift for your loved one at an extremely discounted price (attention: only 10 items per location, some locations do not participate). This year, many stores were opening as early as Midnight, some waiting as late as 3:30 or 5:30 AM to open.

When asked about his feelings on the old, boring tradition of “Thanksgiving” Dave Davis, 27, Boulder, CO said,

What’s Thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving?

When asked about Tan Friday he added,

Yeah, I love it. I love watching the aggression and competition that’s been built through years and years of tradition in past matches.

45-17 Go 'Skers

I asked if he thought the Buffs had a chance of overturning the Huskers this year. He responded,

Buffs? Huskers? No, not that competition and aggression, I’m talking about watching my wife at the mall. She really knows how to bust skulls.

rivalry, aggression, talent: Tan Friday.

Area old-man Jim Stevens said he misses the way things used to be, back when stores didn’t open until 5 am and the womenfolk didn’t drag him along. However, he also reported that he missed segregation, so people continued to ignore him. Yes, it appeared that this “Thanksgiving” that so many old racists speak of is dead.

Traditions are racist

It’s nice to finally have a tradition with which everyone is on board. So next year, spend the Thursday before Tan Friday preparing yourself properly. Eat a big, healthy meal (heavy on carbs), stretch, get plenty of rest, DVR the football game and get out there and get some DEALS!

Oprah reveals 2012 VW Beetle, travels through time

Oprah Winfrey, talk show host and president of the United States of America hosted the first of this year’s Favorite Things episodes in which she gives people gifts from the future. When asked to comment on why she would not release this time-travel technology to the public she replied, “It’s just not one of my favorite things.”

President Oprahma

The audience roared in applause and hyperventilated, at times speaking in tongues, eyes rolling back. One audience member, David Smith, 39, Indianapolis, IN, had this to say, “My wife made me come. We have to pay the taxes on the car… in Euro’s. Apparently in 2012 we’ve moved over to the Euro. Also it uses fuel technology that won’t be released until 2012 so we’re paying taxes on an unusable car.” When Mrs. Smith was asked to comment she laughed/cried while screaming something unintelligible about St. Winfrey.

It was shortly after giving out the boring, shitty favorite things, she brought this man onto the stage:

Dad?

He appeared a bit nervous. She asked him how things had been. He said they’d been pretty good. The crowd looked confused.

Shortly after, she brought out this lovely woman:

Mom?

Also a bit nervous, Oprah greeted her and had her sit on the couch. They appeared to not know each other. Oprah asked them if they wanted to tell the audience. The man stood up and said:

The rumors are true. We’re together. We have been for some time now and… well we want to show you something.

That’s when this little guy showed up:

Lovechild

That’s right Oprah, we did it. We finally had the child we’d always wanted.

Oprah looked at the audience and, nodding, started applauding the young, dorky couple. The audience joined in.

At this point, she addressed the audience:

That’s right everyone, and with cloning technology that I stole from the future, you get one! and you get one! and you get one! and you get one! and you get one! and you get one! and you get one! and you get one! …

When asked how she felt about receiving the clone of the lovechild of an old new VW Beetle and a PT Cruiser from the future, Pam Davis said the following:

I actually didn’t get one. She skipped me when she was going around the room. I thought it was a mistake but when I asked one of the production crew about it they said, “No, sorry ma’am, we actually don’t have quite enough,” which I’m fine with. My dad drove a PT Cruiser when I was in high school and it sucked.. and the old new VW Beetle’s are kinda ugly and dorky too. I’ll be fine without one.

Predictions for next year’s favorite things from the future include the Detroit Lions, a Tea Party campaign T-Shirt from the 2016 election that says, “We’re still crazy.. Crazy about AMERICA!,” Brett Favre’s new book, “A Collection of Pictures of my Penis,” and the next Guns and Roses album (brought back from 2032).

NU Quarterback leaves football team to pursue career in dance

Tweeter.

Tweeters spread the news 140 characters at a time all day Sunday. What were they saying? Martinez is gone. He quit. He’s done. Some were talking about a phone call to his father after an injury early in the game. Many were asking, “Just what did Pelini say to him when he was ‘all up in his business’ about it?”

Highly credible community sports news source bleacherreport.com appears to have been the source of this rumor that burned through the blogosphere at alarming speeds throughout Sunday Evening. In an updated report late on Sunday night (after it had been confirmed that Martinez was, in-fact, still on the team), bleacherreport.com had this to say:

Many readers also noted that they wouldn’t believe the Martinez rumors until they heard it from a “real” media outlet. But what’s “real” in the age of new, social media? By “real” do people mean “traditional,” in the sense of newspapers and television?

Indeed, what IS real? Is this chair real? Is bleacherreport.com real news? Am I real? Are we sitting in the desert of the real? Is Neo here? Somebody channel Derrida, Barthes and Lacan and let’s get the post-structuralist take on this whole Martinez situation.

It took me some time, but after some digging, it has been confirmed (by myself) that Martinez is, in-fact, on the road to pursuing his life long dream of being a professional dancer. While being taped in the locker room he sent one text message to his agent notifying him of the situation at hand, asking whether or not this would affect his dance career. His reply: “Yes.” Martinez, in a frenzy, spoke with the trainer and expressed his concern for his future career in the art of dance and questioned whether it was still in the cards to be cast in Step up 4: The Streets Again?! directed by Channing Tatum. He mentioned to the trainer that he wondered if he should quit and the trainer immediately did some tweeting and texting of his own.

When Martinez returned to the field, concerned and dejected, Pelini approached him and with the trademark Pelini vigor screamed to Martinez, “You’ve been working to be a dancer your whole life! Don’t you dare mess this up now! If you’re not 100% I don’t want you putting your future in jeopardy!”

Pelini dodged questions regarding the flare-up in the post-game press conference in an attempt to hide Martinez’s dream from the rest of Husker Nation and the world. Martinez’s father declined to comment, his face saying, “Really? A dancer?”

Martinez declined to comment on his newly uncovered dream saying only, “I love dance, OK?! But don’t say anything. The guys think it’s weird.”

Meanwhile, Martinez’s future hangs in the balance.

To dance?

Or not to dance?

THAT is the question.

Jimmy “the snake” Pavalatti says “how ya doin?”, asks people to be more “green”

(Introducing Jimmy Pavalatti’s first blog post. He refuses to do any revisions or spellchecking.)

 

Hey. I don’t know what it is you want me to say here. Sonofabitch told me to just type like id talk or somethin. So anyway i guess i’ll just tell you whats going on with me today. i woke up bout 3am and started walking around my garbage route. found the final piece to my new surroundsound system. i made it out of single headphones. people throw them shits out all the time jus cause one of the headphones is broken. so i just splice that shit and throw it together into a whole bunch of speakers. bam surroundsound! so anyways..

as you mighta seen in the video this guy posted about me, i once found a queen sized bed thatd been peed on. so i cut it in half and left the pee’d on part out on the curb. twin sized bed. people are so wasteful. don’t throw so much stuff out. we got the greenhouse thing and the sun is all hot all the time these days and people are throwin out their headphones and beds?! c’mon! wake up people this is hurting our world and stuff. what are our kids going to do when all the beds are gone? its gonna be real hot and shit by that time cause all the beds are gonna be on the street corners and the sun is gonna be even more hot and the water’s gonna rise. then we gotta worry about planet x. recycle. everybody needs to recycle (don’t recycle everything or i won’t have a job). but recycle some things. don’t throw out your pee’d on bed mattress.

anyhow, i hope you guys are all doin well out there and i hope everythings cool or whatever. stay sweet. treat the environment right or whatever and stop bein such an asshole.

 

(he insisted I post this picture)

Jimmy wants you to recycle!

The Consumer’s Guide to Eating Out

Area man horribly rude to waitress, proves the saying “the customer is always..” something.

(Or, a customer’s guide to eating out)

In this case, the customer is always right an asshole. A supposed regional manager of a Taco Bell (or something) or district supervisor or whatever (point is he works in the service industry) wanted to share his endless (free refills) entree with someone else at his table. The waitress explained to him that if he was sharing, we aren’t allowed to give free refills. He got mad and demanded a new server and wanted to talk to the manager. Later, as this waitress was walking by, the customer made a very personal, very rude comment to her. She brushed it off and just kept doing her job. While she was standing at a computer printing checks a while after this rude comment, he comes back up and says he wants to apologize. She responded to him by saying, “I’d really prefer to just not talk to you at all,” (and rightly so). He exploded again and told the manager that she personally attacked him in front of his kids (not true).

An artists rendition of this "guy"

Here’s the thing. The customer is not always right. The customer is, in-fact, often times wrong. I understand the restaurant-goer mentality. I go to them myself. I pay for food and beverage and I would like that food and beverage brought to me. I would also like someone to serve me who cares a little bit about whether or not I get my food. However, I don’t expect my server to be an idiot, I don’t expect the server to be patient with me if I’m being a needy prick and I don’t expect my server to break rules for me or risk their job. It’s pretty simple. Here are some things you can do to ensure that your dining experience will go smoothly:

1. Don’t be impatient.

Often times there are conditions that are out of the hands of the server, manager, host, bartender, etc. Sometimes servers don’t show up to work. Sometimes large parties show up unannounced. Sometimes the kitchen is understaffed. Sometimes the server and the other employees are so overwhelmed they literally cannot find the 3 seconds it would take to say “I’ll be right with you.” The best thing you can do when you go out to eat is be patient. Set aside a large amount of time for eating. If you’re in a rush, don’t tell the server. They’re going to get you in and out as fast as they can because the last thing servers want is to deal with customers longer than they have to. If you’re in a rush, you should go to a fast food joint. If things seem to be taking an inordinate amount of time (ridiculous) find someone who works there who looks like they aren’t busy and in a friendly way, let them know the situation (e.g. It’s been twenty minutes and I don’t have a beverage. Just making sure everything is ok? No one was injured?).

2. Don’t treat the server like s/he is an idiot

If you are seated at a table with six menus and your five friends are about to meet you and the server greets you, you don’t have to inform him or her that you’re still waiting for people. The server wants to get you your beverage so that when your five friends show up all at once (probably at the same time that the server is being sat with three other tables) he or she is not overwhelmed. Rather than explain to the server why there are six menus and only one of you, say, “Hi! I’m good. How are you? I’ll take a _____. Thanks.” These are fairly simple things.

3. Don’t act offended by things that aren’t offensive.

If the server says, “Can I get you something to drink?” this includes cola’s, water, tea, coffee, etc., not just alcohol. So the proper response is not *Laugh* “Uhh.. no.. I’m not drinking.. I’ll have water.” The first thing a server wants to do when somebody says, “No, I’ll have water,” in response to “Can I get you something to drink?” is ask that person “What the hell are you going to do with the water if you’re not going to drink it!?”

Also, change. Don’t be offended if the server brings back change. Be specific when you give the server cash, i.e. “I do need change,” or “I don’t need any change.”

4. Don’t chug your beverage

You’re not 13 anymore. Chugging Coca-Cola is not impressive. Unless, in-fact, you are 13. In which case you should grow up and stop chugging your Coke. The server is probably busy with a lot of things and you don’t need that much sugar or calories. Get a water as well as whatever else you’re drinking if you know you’re going to be thirsty.

4. Let yourself enjoy the night out

If you’re out with your girlfriend/boyfriend/family/friends, there’s nothing worse you can do to them than be “that asshole.” It’s embarrassing to them and it makes everyone in the situation uncomfortable.

5. Tip well

25-30% The server went above and beyond (maybe they even did something they shouldn’t so that you got the hook-up on some food or drink… which is very risky but it means that they liked you and wanted your experience to be rad). On top of all that, the server read you well and could tell how much you wanted to be engaged and either backed off, or talked to you without being too “flashy annoying server”.

20% – Everything went well as far as the server goes. If there was a problem with the food or beverage, the server took care of it to the best of their ability. They may not have been as chatty as you wanted or maybe they were a little too chatty, but all-in-all, he or she was friendly and apologetic about things that didn’t go well. This counts even if the server was super busy with other tables (lots of parties, etc.). Usually in this case other servers or managers should be helping them out.

15% – The service was so-so. Some things didn’t come out right or took a while and the server wasn’t especially apologetic or attentive. It’s not particularly busy in the restaurant and the server just seems a bit “Bla.”

0-10% – The server was actually outright rude and made no effort to fix any mistakes or problems. The server said rude things and was snappy if you asked for a problem to be corrected or for help.

6. If the server is actually awful…

First, make sure that it’s really just the server and it’s not you being an asshole. Ask to talk to a manager. Explain the situation. Tell them what was wrong and why you’re a little upset. They’ll probably comp. your meal and the manager will talk to the server. Don’t write the restaurant off. Sometimes there are just really bad nights. Sometimes a server’s relative died and they just couldn’t get work off. Sometimes the kitchen was just a disaster or a batch of food didn’t get cooked right. Give the place another chance. If it happens again, don’t go back. They obviously don’t want your business that much and why would you want to go there anyway.

All-in-all, it’s really not that hard to not be rude. You can really make somebody’s day by being patient, tipping well, being kind, etc. You can just as easily ruin someone’s day or make someone’s day way worse than it already was just by being rude and mean-spirited. It’s really unnecessary.

After all, nobody want's to have to listen to this girl say this.

Shawshank Redemption: Why are you so good?

When I was little, I saw this movie a few times. As a kid, I really didn’t know what was going on and I was always a little weirded out by the part where he crawls through the shit-pipe. I rediscovered this movie a couple of years ago after having brushed it off through my high school years.

Blown away. I looked back at my child years and said, “Damn you!” for planting the idea in my adult brain that this movie was just weird and not worth watching again. Why must everything be ruined by a quarter of a mile of poop? Here are the reasons why this film is a must watch for everyone:

1. Morgan Freeman.

Morgan Freeman plays a character who, in the book, is an Irishman. Nothing about his character in the movie appears to be changed. When asked why they call him “Red” he says to Tim Robbins character, “I suppose it’s because I’m Irish.” BAM! He’s not Irish! He’s black! It still works though. Also, the movie is narrated by Freeman. Everyone knows there is no better narrator than Morgan Freeman. When I’m rich someday, I will hire Morgan Freeman to read Goodnight Moon to me every night.

Bedtime Story

Grandpa? I wish.

2. Tim Robbins

He’s just a great actor. Subtle. Quiet. Calm. And really.. have you seen The Hudsucker Proxy? It’s also hilarious and stars Robbins as a mailroom employee who steals the idea for/invents both the hula hoop and the bendy straw. It’s hilarious and dark and directed by the Coen Brothers. You really can’t beat Tim Robbins. I mean look at him:

"You know.. For the kids."

3. Thomas Newman

There’s a scene in the film where one of the old guys gets out of prison after 50 years and there’s a voice over of a letter that he wrote to his friends who are still in the prison. It’s super sad and gets me every time. Throughout the whole thing, Thomas Newman (Film Music Composer) has the sort of recurring theme to the movie playing under it all. It’s a simple, repeated piano phrase that sits there underneath it all and gives your eyes a bath. Probably one of my favorite soundtracks. Pick it up.

You're my boy, blue.

4. Frank Darabont

He also directed The Green Mile, The Mist (Both of these are Stephen King novels), Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein (one of the more honest adaptations to the book (he didn’t direct this, he wrote it)) Tales from the Crypt, and currently the AMC zombie hit The Walking Dead (so awesome).

This guy knows what’s up. He knows what he’s doing. He does it well. When Robbin’s character (spoiler alert) breaks free from the prison and crawls through the shit-pipe and crawls out into the river where it’s raining and then strips off his clothes to be washed free from the muck, mire (allegory for his imprisonment) with the music building to a huge peak, I lose my mind.

Oh yeah, he was born in refugee camp in France for Hungarian immigrants who left during the Hungarian Revolution. No big deal.

Let's get misty ya'll.

5. A happy ending

Who doesn’t love a happy ending?

Friendly happy endings..

Not like that! Get your minds out of the gutter. That’s the OTHER version of Shawshank Redemption. I’m talking about the ending of the movie where nobody’s really left out in the cold. I mean okay, so there are a few people who die in the movie but the main characters end up doing alright. The greatest thing is that it’s not forced either. It’s no less believable than anything else in the movie.

So anyway.. rent this movie. It’s on netflix right now. Re-familiarize yourself with it or something. Don’t be turned off by the shit-pipe.

Tim Robbins' character: "I'm covered in poop!"

Joining the Wide World of Webs

So here I am. It’s been a long and feisty ride with the internet thus far, what with tweeters, spaces, books of faces, FMs, Pandoras etc. Alas, it’s time I join the ranks, as they say.

So I present to you, for your viewing/listening/watching pleasure, the bearded troubador. Posted here, you will find my deepest thoughts, musings, sketches, music and general rants.

And now, an awkward handshake to solidify this new friendship of ours: