Jimmy gives an update

Jimmy has been busy over the past couple months. There is a lot of footage of the past months that needs to be consolidated telling the tales of Mr. Jimmy “The Snake” Pavalatti. Once we figure out the best way to consolidate all of it, you will be privy to some of Jimmy’s deepest secrets, his greatest victories, his highest highs and his lowest lows. In the mean time, I’ll let Jimmy tell you a little bit about what he’s been up to:

hey guys. whatta crazy coupla months its been. i used my first computer. got my first non-garbage job. went on a date. relived some of my demons and fears and here i am. the anthro apology didn’t work out so well. i ended up gettin’ drunk and sleeping through class a coupla days inarow. they didnt like that much. ended up doin the recycling gig for a while. that stuck pretty well. im gonna take this opratune-ity to tell you all a very important message: SORT YOUR FUCKIN RECYCLIN’! GET RID OF THE CAPS!

ennyhow.. i met a beautiful woman on a dating website. i was gettin lonely and ben suggested i try a site called jdate since my name is jimmy and my name starts with j i guess. it was going pretty well but.. well i wont tell you too much. shortly after this some of my history was brought up by those stupid idiot asshole sketch comedy sonsofbitches and i was forced to relive all of my darkest fears. yes.. children’s dance koreahgrafy. yeah.. we all had dreams once.

its hard living in a new city alone when your only friends are a buncha assholes who follow you with their cameras.

anyway.. more to come from nicetrykid and your friend jimmy “the snake” pavalatti.

Oprah reveals 2012 VW Beetle, travels through time

Oprah Winfrey, talk show host and president of the United States of America hosted the first of this year’s Favorite Things episodes in which she gives people gifts from the future. When asked to comment on why she would not release this time-travel technology to the public she replied, “It’s just not one of my favorite things.”

President Oprahma

The audience roared in applause and hyperventilated, at times speaking in tongues, eyes rolling back. One audience member, David Smith, 39, Indianapolis, IN, had this to say, “My wife made me come. We have to pay the taxes on the car… in Euro’s. Apparently in 2012 we’ve moved over to the Euro. Also it uses fuel technology that won’t be released until 2012 so we’re paying taxes on an unusable car.” When Mrs. Smith was asked to comment she laughed/cried while screaming something unintelligible about St. Winfrey.

It was shortly after giving out the boring, shitty favorite things, she brought this man onto the stage:

Dad?

He appeared a bit nervous. She asked him how things had been. He said they’d been pretty good. The crowd looked confused.

Shortly after, she brought out this lovely woman:

Mom?

Also a bit nervous, Oprah greeted her and had her sit on the couch. They appeared to not know each other. Oprah asked them if they wanted to tell the audience. The man stood up and said:

The rumors are true. We’re together. We have been for some time now and… well we want to show you something.

That’s when this little guy showed up:

Lovechild

That’s right Oprah, we did it. We finally had the child we’d always wanted.

Oprah looked at the audience and, nodding, started applauding the young, dorky couple. The audience joined in.

At this point, she addressed the audience:

That’s right everyone, and with cloning technology that I stole from the future, you get one! and you get one! and you get one! and you get one! and you get one! and you get one! and you get one! and you get one! …

When asked how she felt about receiving the clone of the lovechild of an old new VW Beetle and a PT Cruiser from the future, Pam Davis said the following:

I actually didn’t get one. She skipped me when she was going around the room. I thought it was a mistake but when I asked one of the production crew about it they said, “No, sorry ma’am, we actually don’t have quite enough,” which I’m fine with. My dad drove a PT Cruiser when I was in high school and it sucked.. and the old new VW Beetle’s are kinda ugly and dorky too. I’ll be fine without one.

Predictions for next year’s favorite things from the future include the Detroit Lions, a Tea Party campaign T-Shirt from the 2016 election that says, “We’re still crazy.. Crazy about AMERICA!,” Brett Favre’s new book, “A Collection of Pictures of my Penis,” and the next Guns and Roses album (brought back from 2032).

NU Quarterback leaves football team to pursue career in dance

Tweeter.

Tweeters spread the news 140 characters at a time all day Sunday. What were they saying? Martinez is gone. He quit. He’s done. Some were talking about a phone call to his father after an injury early in the game. Many were asking, “Just what did Pelini say to him when he was ‘all up in his business’ about it?”

Highly credible community sports news source bleacherreport.com appears to have been the source of this rumor that burned through the blogosphere at alarming speeds throughout Sunday Evening. In an updated report late on Sunday night (after it had been confirmed that Martinez was, in-fact, still on the team), bleacherreport.com had this to say:

Many readers also noted that they wouldn’t believe the Martinez rumors until they heard it from a “real” media outlet. But what’s “real” in the age of new, social media? By “real” do people mean “traditional,” in the sense of newspapers and television?

Indeed, what IS real? Is this chair real? Is bleacherreport.com real news? Am I real? Are we sitting in the desert of the real? Is Neo here? Somebody channel Derrida, Barthes and Lacan and let’s get the post-structuralist take on this whole Martinez situation.

It took me some time, but after some digging, it has been confirmed (by myself) that Martinez is, in-fact, on the road to pursuing his life long dream of being a professional dancer. While being taped in the locker room he sent one text message to his agent notifying him of the situation at hand, asking whether or not this would affect his dance career. His reply: “Yes.” Martinez, in a frenzy, spoke with the trainer and expressed his concern for his future career in the art of dance and questioned whether it was still in the cards to be cast in Step up 4: The Streets Again?! directed by Channing Tatum. He mentioned to the trainer that he wondered if he should quit and the trainer immediately did some tweeting and texting of his own.

When Martinez returned to the field, concerned and dejected, Pelini approached him and with the trademark Pelini vigor screamed to Martinez, “You’ve been working to be a dancer your whole life! Don’t you dare mess this up now! If you’re not 100% I don’t want you putting your future in jeopardy!”

Pelini dodged questions regarding the flare-up in the post-game press conference in an attempt to hide Martinez’s dream from the rest of Husker Nation and the world. Martinez’s father declined to comment, his face saying, “Really? A dancer?”

Martinez declined to comment on his newly uncovered dream saying only, “I love dance, OK?! But don’t say anything. The guys think it’s weird.”

Meanwhile, Martinez’s future hangs in the balance.

To dance?

Or not to dance?

THAT is the question.

Jimmy “the snake” Pavalatti says “how ya doin?”, asks people to be more “green”

(Introducing Jimmy Pavalatti’s first blog post. He refuses to do any revisions or spellchecking.)

 

Hey. I don’t know what it is you want me to say here. Sonofabitch told me to just type like id talk or somethin. So anyway i guess i’ll just tell you whats going on with me today. i woke up bout 3am and started walking around my garbage route. found the final piece to my new surroundsound system. i made it out of single headphones. people throw them shits out all the time jus cause one of the headphones is broken. so i just splice that shit and throw it together into a whole bunch of speakers. bam surroundsound! so anyways..

as you mighta seen in the video this guy posted about me, i once found a queen sized bed thatd been peed on. so i cut it in half and left the pee’d on part out on the curb. twin sized bed. people are so wasteful. don’t throw so much stuff out. we got the greenhouse thing and the sun is all hot all the time these days and people are throwin out their headphones and beds?! c’mon! wake up people this is hurting our world and stuff. what are our kids going to do when all the beds are gone? its gonna be real hot and shit by that time cause all the beds are gonna be on the street corners and the sun is gonna be even more hot and the water’s gonna rise. then we gotta worry about planet x. recycle. everybody needs to recycle (don’t recycle everything or i won’t have a job). but recycle some things. don’t throw out your pee’d on bed mattress.

anyhow, i hope you guys are all doin well out there and i hope everythings cool or whatever. stay sweet. treat the environment right or whatever and stop bein such an asshole.

 

(he insisted I post this picture)

Jimmy wants you to recycle!