The Consumer’s Guide to Eating Out

Area man horribly rude to waitress, proves the saying “the customer is always..” something.

(Or, a customer’s guide to eating out)

In this case, the customer is always right an asshole. A supposed regional manager of a Taco Bell (or something) or district supervisor or whatever (point is he works in the service industry) wanted to share his endless (free refills) entree with someone else at his table. The waitress explained to him that if he was sharing, we aren’t allowed to give free refills. He got mad and demanded a new server and wanted to talk to the manager. Later, as this waitress was walking by, the customer made a very personal, very rude comment to her. She brushed it off and just kept doing her job. While she was standing at a computer printing checks a while after this rude comment, he comes back up and says he wants to apologize. She responded to him by saying, “I’d really prefer to just not talk to you at all,” (and rightly so). He exploded again and told the manager that she personally attacked him in front of his kids (not true).

An artists rendition of this "guy"

Here’s the thing. The customer is not always right. The customer is, in-fact, often times wrong. I understand the restaurant-goer mentality. I go to them myself. I pay for food and beverage and I would like that food and beverage brought to me. I would also like someone to serve me who cares a little bit about whether or not I get my food. However, I don’t expect my server to be an idiot, I don’t expect the server to be patient with me if I’m being a needy prick and I don’t expect my server to break rules for me or risk their job. It’s pretty simple. Here are some things you can do to ensure that your dining experience will go smoothly:

1. Don’t be impatient.

Often times there are conditions that are out of the hands of the server, manager, host, bartender, etc. Sometimes servers don’t show up to work. Sometimes large parties show up unannounced. Sometimes the kitchen is understaffed. Sometimes the server and the other employees are so overwhelmed they literally cannot find the 3 seconds it would take to say “I’ll be right with you.” The best thing you can do when you go out to eat is be patient. Set aside a large amount of time for eating. If you’re in a rush, don’t tell the server. They’re going to get you in and out as fast as they can because the last thing servers want is to deal with customers longer than they have to. If you’re in a rush, you should go to a fast food joint. If things seem to be taking an inordinate amount of time (ridiculous) find someone who works there who looks like they aren’t busy and in a friendly way, let them know the situation (e.g. It’s been twenty minutes and I don’t have a beverage. Just making sure everything is ok? No one was injured?).

2. Don’t treat the server like s/he is an idiot

If you are seated at a table with six menus and your five friends are about to meet you and the server greets you, you don’t have to inform him or her that you’re still waiting for people. The server wants to get you your beverage so that when your five friends show up all at once (probably at the same time that the server is being sat with three other tables) he or she is not overwhelmed. Rather than explain to the server why there are six menus and only one of you, say, “Hi! I’m good. How are you? I’ll take a _____. Thanks.” These are fairly simple things.

3. Don’t act offended by things that aren’t offensive.

If the server says, “Can I get you something to drink?” this includes cola’s, water, tea, coffee, etc., not just alcohol. So the proper response is not *Laugh* “Uhh.. no.. I’m not drinking.. I’ll have water.” The first thing a server wants to do when somebody says, “No, I’ll have water,” in response to “Can I get you something to drink?” is ask that person “What the hell are you going to do with the water if you’re not going to drink it!?”

Also, change. Don’t be offended if the server brings back change. Be specific when you give the server cash, i.e. “I do need change,” or “I don’t need any change.”

4. Don’t chug your beverage

You’re not 13 anymore. Chugging Coca-Cola is not impressive. Unless, in-fact, you are 13. In which case you should grow up and stop chugging your Coke. The server is probably busy with a lot of things and you don’t need that much sugar or calories. Get a water as well as whatever else you’re drinking if you know you’re going to be thirsty.

4. Let yourself enjoy the night out

If you’re out with your girlfriend/boyfriend/family/friends, there’s nothing worse you can do to them than be “that asshole.” It’s embarrassing to them and it makes everyone in the situation uncomfortable.

5. Tip well

25-30% The server went above and beyond (maybe they even did something they shouldn’t so that you got the hook-up on some food or drink… which is very risky but it means that they liked you and wanted your experience to be rad). On top of all that, the server read you well and could tell how much you wanted to be engaged and either backed off, or talked to you without being too “flashy annoying server”.

20% – Everything went well as far as the server goes. If there was a problem with the food or beverage, the server took care of it to the best of their ability. They may not have been as chatty as you wanted or maybe they were a little too chatty, but all-in-all, he or she was friendly and apologetic about things that didn’t go well. This counts even if the server was super busy with other tables (lots of parties, etc.). Usually in this case other servers or managers should be helping them out.

15% – The service was so-so. Some things didn’t come out right or took a while and the server wasn’t especially apologetic or attentive. It’s not particularly busy in the restaurant and the server just seems a bit “Bla.”

0-10% – The server was actually outright rude and made no effort to fix any mistakes or problems. The server said rude things and was snappy if you asked for a problem to be corrected or for help.

6. If the server is actually awful…

First, make sure that it’s really just the server and it’s not you being an asshole. Ask to talk to a manager. Explain the situation. Tell them what was wrong and why you’re a little upset. They’ll probably comp. your meal and the manager will talk to the server. Don’t write the restaurant off. Sometimes there are just really bad nights. Sometimes a server’s relative died and they just couldn’t get work off. Sometimes the kitchen was just a disaster or a batch of food didn’t get cooked right. Give the place another chance. If it happens again, don’t go back. They obviously don’t want your business that much and why would you want to go there anyway.

All-in-all, it’s really not that hard to not be rude. You can really make somebody’s day by being patient, tipping well, being kind, etc. You can just as easily ruin someone’s day or make someone’s day way worse than it already was just by being rude and mean-spirited. It’s really unnecessary.

After all, nobody want's to have to listen to this girl say this.

Shawshank Redemption: Why are you so good?

When I was little, I saw this movie a few times. As a kid, I really didn’t know what was going on and I was always a little weirded out by the part where he crawls through the shit-pipe. I rediscovered this movie a couple of years ago after having brushed it off through my high school years.

Blown away. I looked back at my child years and said, “Damn you!” for planting the idea in my adult brain that this movie was just weird and not worth watching again. Why must everything be ruined by a quarter of a mile of poop? Here are the reasons why this film is a must watch for everyone:

1. Morgan Freeman.

Morgan Freeman plays a character who, in the book, is an Irishman. Nothing about his character in the movie appears to be changed. When asked why they call him “Red” he says to Tim Robbins character, “I suppose it’s because I’m Irish.” BAM! He’s not Irish! He’s black! It still works though. Also, the movie is narrated by Freeman. Everyone knows there is no better narrator than Morgan Freeman. When I’m rich someday, I will hire Morgan Freeman to read Goodnight Moon to me every night.

Bedtime Story

Grandpa? I wish.

2. Tim Robbins

He’s just a great actor. Subtle. Quiet. Calm. And really.. have you seen The Hudsucker Proxy? It’s also hilarious and stars Robbins as a mailroom employee who steals the idea for/invents both the hula hoop and the bendy straw. It’s hilarious and dark and directed by the Coen Brothers. You really can’t beat Tim Robbins. I mean look at him:

"You know.. For the kids."

3. Thomas Newman

There’s a scene in the film where one of the old guys gets out of prison after 50 years and there’s a voice over of a letter that he wrote to his friends who are still in the prison. It’s super sad and gets me every time. Throughout the whole thing, Thomas Newman (Film Music Composer) has the sort of recurring theme to the movie playing under it all. It’s a simple, repeated piano phrase that sits there underneath it all and gives your eyes a bath. Probably one of my favorite soundtracks. Pick it up.

You're my boy, blue.

4. Frank Darabont

He also directed The Green Mile, The Mist (Both of these are Stephen King novels), Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein (one of the more honest adaptations to the book (he didn’t direct this, he wrote it)) Tales from the Crypt, and currently the AMC zombie hit The Walking Dead (so awesome).

This guy knows what’s up. He knows what he’s doing. He does it well. When Robbin’s character (spoiler alert) breaks free from the prison and crawls through the shit-pipe and crawls out into the river where it’s raining and then strips off his clothes to be washed free from the muck, mire (allegory for his imprisonment) with the music building to a huge peak, I lose my mind.

Oh yeah, he was born in refugee camp in France for Hungarian immigrants who left during the Hungarian Revolution. No big deal.

Let's get misty ya'll.

5. A happy ending

Who doesn’t love a happy ending?

Friendly happy endings..

Not like that! Get your minds out of the gutter. That’s the OTHER version of Shawshank Redemption. I’m talking about the ending of the movie where nobody’s really left out in the cold. I mean okay, so there are a few people who die in the movie but the main characters end up doing alright. The greatest thing is that it’s not forced either. It’s no less believable than anything else in the movie.

So anyway.. rent this movie. It’s on netflix right now. Re-familiarize yourself with it or something. Don’t be turned off by the shit-pipe.

Tim Robbins' character: "I'm covered in poop!"

Joining the Wide World of Webs

So here I am. It’s been a long and feisty ride with the internet thus far, what with tweeters, spaces, books of faces, FMs, Pandoras etc. Alas, it’s time I join the ranks, as they say.

So I present to you, for your viewing/listening/watching pleasure, the bearded troubador. Posted here, you will find my deepest thoughts, musings, sketches, music and general rants.

And now, an awkward handshake to solidify this new friendship of ours: